“I put on a courageous face and move bravely forward, but I feel lost and displaced.
My heart dies, one piece at a time, behind a gate that rusts away.
I am no longer able to maintain the pretense that all is fine behind my gate of false bravado and politeness.
It is time to let others see the pitted and rusted metal that is me.
It is time to let myself come out from behind my gate.”
This is the prose which accompanies Surrender of Pretense in the book. It describes how I lived my life, until I could no longer continue. Until I gave up my pretense that everything was fine with me, I spent a great deal of time showing the world a positive face, not talking about how I was dying inside, not even admitting it to myself. After-all, I wanted to be liked, wanted to avoid conflict at all costs.
It has taken a lot of work in my sobriety to come out from behind my rusted gate. Sometimes, I am not aware of what I am feeling and, therefore, cannot speak up about what is going on with me. Other times, I still keep quiet because I want to be liked and I want to avoid conflict. I am, however, beginning to slowly let people know who I am. For the most part, I have found that people are supportive of those efforts, as well as the self that I reveal.
Sometimes what I say has led to an uncomfortableness in a relationship, and yet, I continue to speak up, even though I am fearful to do so. I do it anyway. Eventually, the relationship is strengthened or it fades away. In either case, it is a good way to practice walking through the gate of my fear.
Sometimes, I continue to keep thoughts to myself, to hide what I truly think, who I truly am, as I believe it would be harmful to another to speak up. Sometimes, I continue to be too afraid to say something. There are those times, too, when I do not feel safe revealing who I am because to do so would invite verbal abuse and I am not willing to place myself in that situation.
In most situations, however, I am mastering coming out from behind my gate, being honest about who I am. It feels liberating and peaceful in my heart. I feels good to be true to myself, to show who I am and in what I believe.
Today’s post has dealt with the pretenses I have kept up, and continue to keep up. Next post, as we continue our journey, I will talk about the surrender I experienced initially and how that differs from the surrender I feel today.
How are the ways you continue to hide behind your gate? In what ways are you afraid to show others who you are? I invite and would love your comments.
Tags: being true to oneself, Carolyn Jones, Carolyn Jones Photographs, despair, gates, gates of the heart, sorrow, surrender
November 7, 2009 at 10:44 pm |
ms cj
it is interesting to me to see how the paths in our human lives can be similar, but so different with our own filters and tones layered on them.
i have called my own hiding behavior “flying below the radar”. still out there, active, doing things, engaging, but very careful not to be noticed, at least not for too long of a time. the push-pull of wanting to be appreciated, to make a difference, to have some kind of impact, to share my vision and love – partnered with wanting to stay safe, have some perceived control over who comes close, shutting out the noise and craziness….it is a tug back and forth that cannot last, at least if i want to be healthy and feel satisfied in my living.
a line in a laura nyro song comes to mind, written for her young son – “make his life a living thing”. i think we all want our lives to be that – alive and thriving and contributing and being our authentic, beautiful selves we came here to be. to be the truth of who we are is the greatest gift we can give anyone, ourselves and the ones we love – i celebrate your steps inward, outward, and into the light of day. it is time for all of us to shine, and realize that perfection is not a place we get to, but rather a process of becoming the ones we truly are.
blessings be!
November 8, 2009 at 2:34 am |
Ms Amy,
I loved your description of the push-pull of wanting to be liked and to make a difference and to share our vision and love as opposed to wanting to stay safe and to stay hidden and to control others from getting too close. You painted such a wonderful canvas with your words, as you did in the next paragraph about making one’s life a living thing. Yes, I do believe we all want that also… to be alive and thriving and contributing. To share who you truly are with someone is to show respect, kindness and love. Thank you for your acknowledgment and encouragement of my journey. Yes, I am shining a light on the process of who I have become. 
Thank you for bearing witness, consistently and steadfastly.
Maybe our paths are unique in their sameness because we’re all here to learn the same things… but in the way that is tailored just for each of us.
November 8, 2009 at 1:03 am |
This came at a perfect time Carolyn. I had that one comment on my site that had me thinking about how much I’m revealing… In that narcissism book it talks about how one of the side effects is that children of narcissists often have trouble judging how much to divulge and to whom. I used to tell too many people way too much because I was desperate to feel a close connection. It made people wary of me and it made my relationships one-sided. I then swung the other way and hardly ever made myself vulnerable with friends. Now, I’m finally enjoying entering into relationships with a sense of balance. I definitely feel like I’m being more true to myself. My next obstacle now is to care less if it makes others shy away from me.
November 8, 2009 at 2:03 am |
Amy, Thanks so much for your comment. I’m glad this came at a good time for you and, hopefully, was helpful. Yes, I can relate to the dilemma of how much to share. I, too, swung from divulging too much to nothing at all, holding myself close to myself. I know that swing from desperation for connection to aloneness I felt when I closed myself off from people. I am learning a balance. It touched my heart to hear you say that you have struck a balance, that you feel more true to yourself. That’s wonderful. I am right with you on the next obstacle – caring less if what I say turns others off.
) I am working on the same thing.
I must return to your post and get the title of that book to which you referred… Thanks for visiting.
Carolyn
November 8, 2009 at 1:09 am |
To You,
Not sure if Carolyn Jones is really you or an alias as I have created in showing the world a new me, one that is unashamed about talking about love, forgiveness and the ability to follow and believe in dreams.
Heck, I was a man of laws, I preached to the juries and sought verdicts in favor of robbers, rapists, muggers and people as displaced as I often felt. I could never admit to seeking a quiet life of contemplation, of serving humanity for no charge, for being content with eyes closed and heart open to the Divine within.
Hence, I use the aka, contoveros, much like you might identify with your book on gates.
Writing helps. Hearing other people who feel the way I do helps even more. Takes a sting out of the lonliness some times.
Surrendering the ego is one of the biggest steps I took. I generally have to take it every day, right after seeking from within my love for the Beloved Self, forgiveness of the Self, and the best way to serve that Divine inside through daily acts of love outside.
Michael J
November 8, 2009 at 1:54 am |
Carolyn Jones is really who I am.
) Welcome to the new you that you have created.:-)) How freeing to be unashamed to love, to feel forgiveness, to believe in and follow dreams. I become curious as I read your rendition of going from what sounds like a defense attorney to a man who has a quiet life, who is of service to others, who has an open heart for the Divine. I wonder and hope that you describe yourself in the picture you painted.
I love your point about surrendering to the ego. That adds a good dimension to the blog. Thank you. And I love how you take the step of surrender after connecting with your Higher Self, serving the Divine. Beautifully stated.
Carolyn